Ok, I know that I have been absent for the past couple of months. The truth is that even though I was working toward getting everything back on track in my life and trying to get back in the gym I found out that I was pregnant in January. After that things got kind of crazy and I was going to wait to post about what I was doing this pregnancy compared to my last pregnancy once I was twelve weeks along.
However, life decided to throw me some curve balls that I am trying to bounce back from. About a month ago we went for our ultrasound and we found out that the heartbeat was kind of weak so maybe I wasn’t as far along as we thought. So with that they sent me home and I was to go back in two weeks. At that ultrasound we found out that I miscarried. Now because this is something that many people do not talk about it is very hard to hear and something that is not only heartbreaking but kind of scary to deal with. Luckily my doctors office was very good about letting me know my options and what to expect. My doctor even called me later that day to just go over everything since he wasn’t there that morning.
Since this is something that is not really talked about I know that I had a really hard time telling people the news. We had told our family about the pregnancy pretty early (which we also did before with our son). That meant that we had to break the news to all of them. I also told some of the people that I worked with since I work at a sporting goods store and I didn’t want to be lifting too heavy of things. I wasn’t afraid to tell people as much as I didn’t want to get “that look” from them. The look where they feel super sorry for you and want to make sure that you are doing ok mentally. Almost like they are afraid that you are going to have some sort of mental break down. Now, in the privacy of my own home with my husband, I did break down. This wasn’t supposed to happen. And I did lean on him for support because it is a very personal thing.
The thing that I wasn’t expecting to really get me upset was that when I told people about it, most of them either told me that this just must have been Gods way of saying that something was wrong or that don’t worry you can just try again. I fully understand that there must have been something wrong for this to happen and we said that it is better that it was so early instead of later on in the pregnancy. However, this was going to be our baby. This was going to be our sons sibling. When we told people about having another baby they were excited but when we told them that we lost the baby they made it seem like it really wasn’t anything. Or at least that is how I felt.
I know that this is a subject that is hard for people to talk about and it is hard for the person that is getting told about it. But if you have a friend that is going through something like this; give her a hug, tell her that life sucks and that you are sorry she has to go through this. My aunt was the only person that told me something like this. She didn’t say anything about being able to try again. Most people also just gave me my space. I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want people to try to make me talk about it. My mother made sure to let me know that she was sorry and that she will always be there for me if I need her but she also just kind of stepped back and let me come to her when I was ready.
This is a very hard thing to deal with and think about daily. I think I have had my time to grieve and now I am starting to really focus on the things I can do to really make the most of every day and to be the best mom I can be to my son. We will always have our angel baby but sometimes things happen for a reason and in reality it is what it is and we cannot change it but we can learn to come to terms with it and if needed take this time to become a better person. And eventually when we are ready we can try again.